Haunted By My Own Thoughts
As I layed there, clutching Skar and your dog tag, I kept thinking..and thinking and thinking….
“What if..”
And all these different scenarios kept running through my mind.
One of the most prominent ones was “What if he does get sent over seas. What if some thing does happen…what if he dies…”
I couldn’t shake those thoughts, and I still can’t.
Another one I can’t shake is, “What if I’m not good enough?”
Those thoughts are pounding away in my mind, threatening to drive away my sanity and desperately attempting to drive me into a panic attack. And so far, it’s working.
I’m having a hard time keeping myself breathing right, and keeping myself from crying.
The panic is gripping my chest like a vice, squeezing every drop of air from my lungs, forcing my heart to struggle to beat.
I also wonder if my panic and worry wears thin on you, if one day it will be enough to drive you away. This only makes the panic grip me stronger.
In these times, I try my hardest to imagine your warm arms around me, the comforting sound of your heartbeat and breath, but to no avail.
I wish I knew why I get so panicky, so self conscious, so…for lack of a better term, needy…
I hate being this way, I want it to end.
But yet again, my struggles against the panic that plagues me are in vain.
-sigh-
I suppose I’ll end this now, since I can’t find the words to write any more.
I love you.
